Funny One Liners

300 Funny One Liners

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

National Atheist's Day April 1st.

Better late than .... Pregnant.

Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.

Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.

Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick-skinned, short-sighted and always ready to charge.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Marriage is the only union that can't be organized. Both sides think they're management.

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge pool and throw them fish?

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. Until you lose.

Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".

Too much of everything is just enough.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

Look people I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.

I love being a writer... What I can't stand is the paperwork.